I have become convinced that one day robots will rule the world — not because they’re smarter than we are, but because they’ve already mastered the art of refusing to let us speak to another human being. It usually begins innocently enough.
“Thank you for calling. What can I help you with today? You can say things like, ‘check my balance,’ ‘refill a prescription’ or ‘order checks.’”
I politely answer, “I’d like to speak with someone.”
The robot replies with cheerful confidence. “I understand you’d like to speak with someone. Could you tell me a little more about why you’re calling?”
No. No, I cannot.
Not because I don’t know why I’m calling, but because I don’t feel like explaining my life’s problems to an electronic parrot with the emotional depth of a microwave oven.
So, I try again.
“Representative.”
“I understand you’d like a representative. Could you tell me more about your issue?”
“Person.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch that.”
“Human.”
“I can help you with many things. Tell me what you’re calling about.”
By now, I’ve gone from calm and collected to wondering if this machine is secretly laughing at me.
The irony is almost too much to bear. Companies spend millions developing artificial intelligence sophisticated enough to recognize frustration, yet somehow incapable of honoring the very first request a customer makes.
Imagine if this happened in everyday life.
You walk into a hardware store. “I’d like to talk with someone.”
“Wonderful! What aisle are you looking for?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I want to talk with someone.”
“I understand. Which product are you looking for?”
“If I knew that, I wouldn’t need someone!”
Or picture this at your doctor’s office.
“I’d like to see the doctor.”
“I understand. Can you describe every symptom you’re experiencing?”
“I’d rather tell the doctor.”
“I understand. Please describe your symptoms.”
Somewhere along the line, we’ve confused efficiency with endurance. Banks do it. Pharmacies do it. Insurance companies have turned it into an Olympic event. Utilities are getting in on the fun. Even my internet provider has a robot that sounds genuinely disappointed when I insist on talking to a human. I half expect it to sigh and say, “I thought we were making progress.”
Then there are the endless menus.
“Press one.”
